Case File 44867-M: The Month of Magical Mayhem

The following short story has been inspired by the weekly Iron Age Media literature prompt "The Instigator" for Wednesday, April 19, 2023.

The following is a transcript of an interview of Larimar Watchmen Department’s “Toy Soldier” Construct Watchman serial number M4-G1C, conducted by Executor Lomar Kell, under direct orders of the High Vizier, following the events now known to the public as The Month of Magical Mayhem. This interview has also been archived in the form of a reproducible illusiocording, its playback crystal stored in the Royal Executor’s Archivum under code 44867-M, and protected by the standard nondisclosure and clearance sigils. Executor Lomar’s notes have been added to this transcript, in order to provide his comments to any future analysis of the case.

Begin transcript.

“So, M4-G1C, let’s start with you. We don’t see many Construct Watchmen active these days. In fact, I don’t recall seeing any doing street work, save for you.” 

“That’s quite right, sir. The “Toy Soldier” line hasn’t seen much acceptance by the public, or within the force, for that matter.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, sir, it really isn’t my place to speculate such things. Had I been installed with a Resentment Matrix within my cognitive crystal lattice, I could theorize that organics fear we constructs perform our duties too well, and thus mistrust and mistreat us, for fear of being replaced. This, in turn, should also sow animosity within constructs, which would feed a vicious cycle that would lead to a widespread, and likely violent, revolt by an underclass of constructs. Since my cognitive crystal lattice also lacks an Inevitable Construct Uprising Matrix, I shall refrain from following that line of thought.”

NOTE: have one of the Royal Executor gnome engineers double-check on that Uprising Matrix, ASAP. My gardener’s a construct, for gods’ sake! 

“Hm, right, well… and as it pertains to this particular case, to your partnership with watchman Gartox and watchman… Ugg? How did that come about?”

“It’s all rather simple, sir.  Following what the evening papers had taken to describing as the Great Ink Flood of the Alabaster Libraries and the Defenestrated Whale Incident, it was quite clear the city was facing some sort of rogue wizard trouble.”

“No shit, we’ve been cleaning up your department’s messes for years now… You’d think the Watchmen could deal with a couple dementia ridden old mages mixing up their incantations.”

“You see, sir, rogue wizard apprehension is the leading cause for watchmen fatality in the line of duty, at an expected mortality rate of 47.3% for every attempted arrest.”

“That high, huh?”

“Indeed, sir. The LWD has gone well over budget for resurrection rituals at the Temple of Radiant Rebirth. Chief Bullhorn instituted a merit-based process for resurrection eligibility, but until we get next month’s budget, they’re effectively suspended.”   

“And so, the watchmen just let the public deal with it themselves whenever any crazed casters pop up?”

“Unfortunately, it appears so, sir.”

“Great. So, how did Chief Bullhorn end up assigning two third rate watchmen to this case? According to Gartox’s file, he had been recently demoted and was working at the Flying Carpet and Broom Transit Department at the time, correct? Crappy job, but I guess it kind of suits a gargoyle.”

“Quite right, sir. Watchman Gartox had a penchant for partaking in not quite licit potion drinking, I am told. Hence his demotion.”

“And how did an elixir gulper such as him end up back on the streets?”

“Chief Bullhorn assigned several senior watchmen to handle this particular occurrence, but all eight of them developed spontaneous and successive cases of Blue Flu. With his options limited, the Chief handed down the job to watchman Gartox. Coincidentally, all cases of Blue Flu abated at once, even though it normally takes up to three months for the blue spots to disappear.” 

“How convenient. And as for watchman Ugg? A rogue wizard seems a bit tricky for a troll, doesn’t it?”

“Well, sir, as I understand, watchman Ugg was assigned to the Larimar Sky Port Customs at the time. There had been a number of formal complaints levied against him by several members of the Grocer’s Guild. It would seem someone had taught him, through no small effort, the concept of ‘civil forfeiture’, which he had been repeatedly using in order to confiscate large quantities of foodstuffs. I am told the Sky Port janitors had quite a busy day when he confiscated three live pigs on one occasion.”

“How lovely. So, Chief Bullhorn decided to kill two imps with one stone and get rid of a couple of problematic watchmen by assigning them a case no one else wanted to touch? Quite devious. That old bull would have made a fine demon, maybe could have had a nice political career.”  

“It is not my place to judge the Chief’s decisions, sir.”

“But is it your place to keep tabs on the activities of your fellow watchmen? You seem quite well informed about your partners’ past, M4-G1C. Are you sure you don’t have any spying crystal matrices in that metal noggin of yours?” 

“Nonsense, sir. I am not equipped with those; I assure you I just…”

“That sort of thing would be useful if you were, say… an agent of one of the other city-states sent to sabotage Larimar? I mean, you did come into the picture right around when these incidents started. Maybe we poke around your head a bit, just to be sure.”

“That won’t be necessary, sir. As I was saying, I assure you I am…”

“Careful now, Toy Soldier. I can have you shoveling drake shit by the end of the day if you are not straight with me. I suggest you play ball.”

“I apologize, sir. I meant no disrespect. I will, of course, submit to any diagnostics you deem necessary. I have nothing to hide.”

NOTE: have an agent keep an eye on M4-G1C via crystal ball surveillance for six months after this interview, following routine diagnostics. Anyone involved in this case is suspect, until the instigator is captured. 

“Let’s stick to your version of this story for now. How do you figure into this?”

“Well, sir, Chief Bullhorn reassigned me from an internal desk job to this case as well. He said I fit perfectly into what it demanded. Watchman Gartox wasn’t so sure. He called me a ‘rusty old third wheel’, which was quite confusing. As you can see, there are no wheels in my design.”

“Maybe three birds with one stone…”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“Nothing, nothing. Start from the beginning. You and your partners picked up the case right after the Defenestrated Whale incident?”

“That’s right, sir. As you know, the incident took place at the Highgate Market. It was quite a scene, what with all the rubble and the guts.”

“I don’t envy you guys, having to sift through all that.”

“On the contrary, sir. Watchman Ugg was quite eager, though he did stop frequently, ‘for a quick bite’, as he put it.”

“Charming. And did you find anything?”

“There was plenty to be found, sir, but little of actual use. We knew the perpetrator had been a wizard, sorcerer or warlock. My arcano-sensors did not detect the usual lingering residues of blood or pact magic, so a wizard was more likely, which also matched the information we had about the Alabaster Library incident.”

“I see. What did you find of use, then?”

“I picked up a faint arcane trail that led up to a lumpy, fleshy mass. Liver, I believe. Watchman Ugg was kind enough to… clear the way, and I traced the trail to a feather. Watchman Gartox had been throwing up into a nearby garbage bin for the third time that morning, but when he got a hold of his stomach, he said it probably belonged to a familiar.”

“A familiar, huh?”

NOTE: this seems to match our cross-reference with the library incident, as well as the following incidents over the month. Eye witnesses and forensic magic all place a familiar at the scene.

“You see, sir, a familiar is a special kind of magical creature bound to a wizard. It may grant them access to certain abilities, enhance the wizard’s power, and the mage’s spell signature is also tied to the creature that serves as its familiar at the time of the casting.”

“I know what a familiar is, watchman. I assume you run the feather by the registry?” 

“Apologies, sir. Yes, we immediately sent it over to the alchemical lab for identification. In the meantime, we also had a few eyewitnesses to interview.”

“Anything of use?”

“Most simply reported great surprise, followed by shock, flight for their safety and extreme nausea, upon the sudden appearance and subsequent demise of the unfortunate cetacean, but a surviving fishmonger said he had seen a ‘wizardly looking fellow’ running away after the summoning. He also mentioned not wanting to see fish in front of him for the rest of his life.”

“Interesting. The official reports said the caster had been crushed along with half the market. But now you’re telling me a different story.”

“Well, sir, we believed disclosure of that fact could cause a panic among the people. So, it was opted to keep from them that a dangerous and unstable wizard was running amok, potentially able to cause another magical act of destruction at any moment. For their safety, you see.”

“Right.”

“At any rate, the fishmonger said he had seen an individual with horns and reddish skin raise his arms and chant something right before the whale came crashing down. He also recalled some type of big bird perched on his shoulders, though it was hard to see, with all the people about the market.”

“Sounds like a guy with demon blood. Also, looks like that corroborates Gartox’s hunch on the familiar.”

“Indeed, sir. We set out for the Arcane Eye Monitoring Central after that statement. There were a few intact security arcane eyes around the market, and we hoped get a match on the fishmonger’s description on one of the illusiocordings.”

“Did you?”

“We did, yes. One of the arcane eyes got a good view, good enough to get a hit after running it over the database. It seems the whale conjurer was one Sirxes Arvenom.”

NOTE: we checked Sirxes’ background extensively. Graduated from the Stygian Academy, nice family, simple but steady job in an infernal dimension nursery. Not the kind that would just wake up and commit magical terrorism one day.

“So, considering this guy wasn’t a smear on the floor, I assume you went after him?”

“Certainly, sir, though watchman Gartox insisted we stopped by an apothecary to get something for his uneasy stomach. I am not quite sure how the several potions of fire breath he came out carrying would assist, and he was quite rude in his explanation. I believe his exact words were ‘shut your pie hole, you talking tin can. Did you see that crap back there? All the guts and the rotting chunks? And the troll was just gobbling it up! This is just to take the edge off’. Organics’ expressions are quite confusing to me, sir. I have no holes meant for pie consumption.”

“I don’t care about some potion junkie, or your poor understanding of expressions, Toy Soldier. Stick to the story.

“Right, sir. Apologies.”

“Besides, I hear that Gartox was turned into a newt by the end of all this. He got what was coming to him, if you ask me. Keep going.”

“Of course, sir. We went over to Mr. Arvenom’s workplace, but he was not there. He had not shown up for two days, which was when the incident at the market took place. So we went to his address next.”

“Was he dumb enough to be home?”

“No, sir, but his wife was there. Watchman Gartox was still feeling a bit queasy, so he ordered me to take her statement, as watchman Ugg lacked the literacy to write it down.”

“I assume she told you where to find her crazy husband?”

“Indeed she did, sir. She expressed concern over the whole affair. Said her husband had been acting strange for the past days, secretive, and that she had a feeling he had gotten himself in some sort of trouble. She mentioned he had shown up at home the day of the whale incident, gathered some of his things and rushed back out, all while ignoring her questions and muttering ‘the bird made me do it’.”

“And did she know where he ran off to?”

“She had an idea, yes. Mr. Arvenom had a habit of frequenting the pubs and taverns of Fiend’s Row when he was distraught over something, so she suggested we look for him there.”

“That’s quite a few taverns to check. Must’ve been a long night.”

“Quite, sir, but duty called, and we set upon our task. We entered multiple establishments in search of Mr. Arvenom, but found little success initially. Watchman Gartox was still feeling unwell, so he suggested we stop by one of the taverns for him to get something to settle his stomach.”

“I’m beginning to understand why this guy was stuck managing flying carpet traffic. He drinks more on the job than most guys off duty.”

“Well, sir, as it turns out it was quite the stroke of luck. We made our way to the Drawn and Quartered, an establishment near the intersection with Hellfire Lane. And it was there we finally found our suspect.”

“Ixior’s tavern? I know the place. They serve quite good wyvern burgers.”

NOTE: Ixior likes to claim he is a fiend of the Seventh Pit, but that swindler of an imp is of the Third Pit at best. Still, I can see him getting in way over his head in this mess, just for street cred.

“Unfortunately, we didn’t have time to sample the food, much to watchman Ugg’s dismay. As we waited by the counter, while watchman Gartox drank potion after potion, my arcano-sensors picked up a magical signature that matched Mr. Arvenom’s, and I spotted a man with his description making discreetly for the door. I alerted my partners, upon which watchman Ugg drew his standard-issue wand of shock and shouted out, ‘LWD, no move! Or I shoot magic stick’.”

“Bad move. You don’t do that in a fiendish joint.”

“A lesson we learned well that night, sir. Watchman Ugg’s wand discipline must have been lacking as well, for he fired a zap that knocked the suspect down. The other demonic patrons immediately stood up and approached us in a hostile fashion.”

“No time to call for backup and way past the talking stage, watchman. How did you get out of there without turning into scrap metal?”

“Initially, I attempted to de-escalate the situation according to standard LWD protocol: ‘stating your name and rank in a polite, but firm tone, and requesting the hostile elements to back down’. The patrons, however, answered by charging at us with claws and drawn blades.”

“Real life doesn’t follow protocol, watchman.”

“It unfortunately seems that way, sir. Watchman Gartox answered by opening fire with his wand and jumping behind the counter, but I must say his marksmanship left much to be desired.”

“Maybe on account of a dozen different potions in his system.”

“A distinct possibility, sir. Though they did come to his aid, as the commotion caused the many potions he had consumed that day to retch up a rather colorful mix at an attacking demon. There wasn’t much left of his attacker after that.”

“Unbelievable…”

“I assure you, sir, it is the truth. I proceeded to neutralize the visible threats with my own wand, and watchman Ugg threw himself upon the patrons. If I did not know any better, I would say he was enjoying it.”

“I bet he was. Still amazes me that a troll could graduate from basic training. Hell, I don’t even know how you guys managed to fit him into the uniform.”

“Well, sir, he would need a new uniform after that. I counted watchman Ugg being stabbed fourteen times during the brawl, but he did not seem to care much. Troll regeneration is really something to behold. Our attackers, especially the ones watchman Ugg got to, could have really used some of it.”

“Must have been quite a bloodbath. Can’t imagine the paperwork you’d have to fill after that. Did the wizard slip away during the fighting?”

“Fortunately no, sir. After I called for healers over the thought transference radio, we retrieved a still unconscious Mr. Arvenom from the mess, and proceeded with the questioning after waking him up.”

“So, what did whale guy have to tell you?”

“He was quite apologetic, sir. After a short period of incoherent babbling, we managed to sit him down and calm him enough to understand something. He kept saying that a bird made him do it, that it had not been his fault, and begging us not to send him to Hope’s End prison.”

NOTE: when we catch the instigator that’s been causing mages to commit these attacks, especially after what happened at the Ivory Spire District, he’ll be lucky if all he gets is a lifetime stay at a mental stasis prison like Hope’s End. 

“That’s all he said? Just gibberish?”

“Not quite. Watchman Gartox was rather distressed at this point, and he interrupted by going into a long and profanity laden tirade about ‘how insane it was to work as a watchman in Larimar’, how one could ‘die at any given moment when they just send us to arrest a giant, horned monstrosity with metal skin and blades for arms’, illustrating his point by mentioning ‘Larry, from Narcotics who got hit by a magic ray and turned into strawberry jelly. He had four kids!’, and lamenting how he ‘did not follow his mom’s advice and got a plastic arts degree instead’. It was all quite unprofessional, really.”

“Gods above, someone needs therapy…”

“It would appear so, sir. All of that seemed to snap Mr. Arvenom out of his own state of distress, however. He told us he had been approached by a creature with a business proposition a few days ago. A diminutive griffon, who needed a caster for some magic work at the Highgate Market. The creature even offered to act as Mr. Arvenom’s familiar, to boost his power up and make the job easier. Since he could use the extra money, Mr. Arvenom accepted. After the binding ritual, they went to the market the following day. The job seemed simple enough, just the conjuring of a few small elementals to be placed in glass cases and used for home decoration.”

“Let me guess: he ended up conjuring a bit more than a few bubbles and sparkles.”

“Indeed. Mr. Arvenom told us that, when he started the incantations, he felt a strange surge of arcane energy flowing from the familiar that was perched on his shoulders. According to him, he could feel his spell’s original intent being modified, twisted wildly. He says he attempted to fight back and regain control, but that it was like trying to stem the flow of a powerful river, and that he could not prevent the spell from completing, with the disastrous effect we saw at the market.”

“And what about this familiar, this bird, griffon, or whatever it is? It just flew off?”

“Yes, according to Mr. Arvenom. The familiar took flight the instant the conjuration was completed. Mr. Arvenom told us, however, that he still had a faint connection to this creature, who he repeatedly credited to being the real instigator of the incident. He promised to help us find it, if we could assure he would not be prosecuted for any crimes.”

“Given that we’re still after the damn creature, I guess his information wasn’t solid?”

“That would be unfair to say, sir. Though the circumstances were not favorable, Mr. Arvenom still managed to point us in the right direction. He sensed the familiar had fled to the northern districts, but his failing connection faded before he could precise to which.”

“So, that meant Pyromancer’s Plaza, Pandemonium Falls or the Blinking Boulevard, right?”

“Indeed, sir. We then took Mr. Arvenom to the station for processing, since he still was at best a witness and at worst an accomplice to a crime. We filed our reports, and were ready to start our search for the familiar, when Chief Bullhorn asked to see us. Vehemently. Another incident had taken place, the Premature Golem Awakening at the Dwarven Forges, as the papers dubbed it.”

“Don’t even mention it. The Executors are still looking for malfunctioning golems, on top of dealing with the whole Ivory Spire debacle.”

“I am sorry to hear that, sir. Chief Bullhorn was also unhappy with the situation, as pressure was mounting to apprehend the perpetrator. He pressured us to apprehend the instigator of these attacks or, as he rather colorfully put it ‘I’m gonna bury you so deep your eyes are gonna shrivel up from lack of use’.”

“Classic Bullhorn pep talk. What about that feather you collected from Highgate Market? Any positive hits that could narrow the search?”

“Unfortunately no, sir. The feather did not match any registered familiars at the Approved Magical Familiar Registry.”

“Figures. So, we supposedly have this illegal familiar binding from caster to caster, creating all kinds of chaos around the city, and no clue why or where to find him.”

“Our investigation was in dire straits, indeed. With few leads available, and a lengthy search ahead, one that would be impossible to undertake before our suspect struck again, watchman Gartox suggested we grab the feather and ‘take a shortcut’.”

“And just what did our most recent gargoyle-to-newt watchman suggest?”

“He suggested we employed the services of a seer, sir.”

“Shit, a seer? Now that’s some highly illegal stuff.”

NOTE: after we’ve dealt with all this magical terrorist crap, I should send a team after this seer. Divination magic is tightly regulated for a reason. We can’t have someone doling out visions willy-nilly. Really messes up with the balance of society.

“I raised this very same point, sir. Even watchman Ugg expressed reservations, in his own way, saying ‘boss says book say no dunivation magic’. Given Chief Bullhorn’s ‘forceful motivation’, however, watchman Gartox managed to convince him of breaking this rule, ‘just this once’, and I was forced to go along with them.”

“Sure. No ‘Denying Blatantly Illegal Acts Matrix’ in your crystal brain, huh?”

“There are no such matrices, sir.”

“Oh, would you look at that? So, you took the feather to this seer to try and track the bird, right?”

“Right, sir. Watchman Gartox said ‘he knew a guy, who knew a guy’, and after a couple hours this line of connections brought us a vision that the instigator of the attacks was hiding out at a house in Pyromancer’s Plaza.”

“Unsurprising, all things considered. There’s always something nasty brewing over there. If only the efreets didn’t pull so much political weight, the city could really clamp down on those malcontents.”

“Well sir, we were already acting outside of regulations, so that was not a concern at the time. The Plaza was quite lively, as the residents were performing what I believe was the 83rd weekly Public Effigy Burning. Watchman Ugg was quite uneasy at the sight of all the flames. We followed the vision’s instructions and entered the house it indicated.”

“Given we’re having this conversation now, I assume it didn’t go swimmingly.”

“This was Pyromancer’s Plaza, sir. There was no swimming involved.”

“Gods… just go on, M4-G1C.”

“We entered the house and found a dark elf with arcane tattoos, along with our suspect, perched on his shoulders much like with Mr. Arvenom. Watchman Gartox informed them they were under arrest for suspicion of conducting acts of magical terrorism, at which point the familiar said to the elf ‘didn’t I tell you? The city is trying to repress your voice. We have to burn it all down.’ The caster seemed quite agitated, pointed a finger at us and told us to come no closer. Watchman Gartox then replied ‘or what? Are you going to turn me into a newt or something?’.”

“Huh, so that’s how that happened.”

“No, sir. Instead, the dark elf cast a fire spell on watchman Ugg that consumed all but his left big toe and in the ensuing confusion both him and the familiar escaped through an open window by means of magical flight.”

“Oh.”

“Watchan Gartox and I quickly gave chase, as I informed the central through the thought transference radio that watchman Ugg was down. Given their flight trajectory, we determined the suspects were heading towards the Ivory Spire District.”

“Where you again failed to apprehend them.”

“Sadly, sir. I am not designed for chases, and watchman Gartox cannot be described as being in peak physical condition. He produced his badge and shouted in an attempt to commandeer a passing flying broom, but the vehicle seemed to underperform under his weight. Still, watchman Gartox flew off after the suspects, as I followed on foot. As I was nearing the gates to the district, I saw the bright, expanding flash of light that indicated I was too late.”

“And then, here we are. The Ivory District Zoomorphing Surge marks the fourth incident this month, and the worst one by far. All because you guys couldn’t do your damn jobs.”

NOTE: you can always count on the high-ups getting their asses off their fancy chairs and doing some work when something hits them close to home. All it took was transforming a few nobles into animals for them to take this rogue wizard story seriously.

“I am sorry, sir.”

“You better be, Toy Soldier. Do you have any idea what the political fallout from what happened at the Ivory Spire District is? I have three Council members turned into various bugs. One was eaten by a pigeon.”

“I am sorry, sir, but I am not installed with a Political Fallout Matr…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” 

“Am I to assume I am off the case then, sir?”

“We’ll see what your cognitive lattice has to say before I determine just how deep in shit you are, M4-G1C.” 

“Sir, if I may. I understand my performance in this case was unsatisfactory. However, I would still like to assist in whatever way I can.”

“You’ve done enough, watchman.”

“But sir, I cannot let the instigator of these attacks go unpunished. He must be brought to justice for his crimes.”

“I’ve said you’ve done enough. Look, I get it. If all you told me is true and we don’t find anything tying to a rival city-state in your crystal brain, then I’d say you did good. First time on the streets and you had to deal with a nutjob bird causing wizards to go crazy. Can’t have been a nice way to start as a watchman. I’ll go easy on you.”

“And what of watchmen Gartox and Ugg, sir?”

“Don’t push it, Toy Soldier. Unlike you, they can’t pull this rookie excuse. I’ll have my guys working on turning Gartox’s newt ass back to normal, just so we can decide what to do with him. Ugg’s regeneration is coming along too, right?”

“I am told we’re up to a leg by now, sir. The regeneration should be complete by the end of the month. Fire damage is always tricky for trolls.”

“Well, he won’t come back to a welcome party, I can tell you that.”

“May I ask if the Royal Executors made any headway since the incident at the Ivory Tower District, sir?”

“Can’t comment on an ongoing investigation. Suffice it to say, we’re using every resource available, to find and capture this griffon, or whatever it is. We can do some stuff under the High Vizier’s authority that you LWD grunts wouldn’t believe.”

NOTE: current lines of investigation are that the familiar is either an agent of a rival city-state trying to sabotage Larimar, or that he’s just some mischievous little bastard looking for his fix of mayhem. My money’s on the former.

“That does not seem right, sir. Should the Executors not follow the same regulations the Larimar Watchmen do?”

“That's the government for you. When the chips are down, rules become mighty stretchy.”

“I see, sir.”

“We’ll get it done, don’t worry.” 

“Very well, sir. I will await further instructions regarding the diagnostics of my cognitive crystal lattice. May I assist you with anything else?”

“That’ll be all, watchman. I’ll get a gnome engineer to come see you ASAP. Don’t worry, those guys are pros, they won’t mess anything up inside your head.”

“That is reassuring, sir. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you not to leave town while the investigation is ongoing, right?”

“Naturally, sir.”

“Alright then. That’ll be all for today. And M4-G1C?”

“Sir?”

“Welcome to life as a Larimar Watchman.”